Parenting: when the fun gets lost in the work…
Motherhood… It’s hard!! I’m 9 years into it now (its an old pic). My youngest is 5, they are both at school and I definitely feel like we have turned a corner. A lot of the work isn’t there anymore, not in the way it was. They can dress themselves (when they want to), wipe their own bottoms (when they want to) and generally look after themselves in ways they couldn’t when they were younger. I watched a woman this morning pushing a pram with a toddler on the buggy board and I remember how hard that time was. I remember all the beautiful parts too, snuggling a sleeping baby, feeding, cosleeping and slower days. I loved that time when I was in it. I also felt overwhelmed, burnt out and lonely when they would fall asleep and I couldn’t put them down, when they wanted to feed alllll day, when I just wanted a bed to myself and when I longed for a morning when I could get up and out before 9.. Looking back some days I embraced the same things and other days they could tip me over the edge. I don’t romanticise about those baby days, they were hard and isolating but I also remember them fondly. I embraced them while I was in them and I was glad to move to the next phase when it was time.
I have seen many posts talking about how parenting gets easier as they get bigger and then others saying how it gets harder. It always feels like things are set to divide us. I think the reality is that it’s always hard, just in different ways.
Physically it definitely gets easier. My body feels like mine again, I have a lot more sleep, less battles (definitely still have some but not so many about the colour of the cup any more…), its easier to leave the kids with their Dad or other people so I can look after myself and I don’t have to plan our days around a nap schedule or take a million and one things out with me.
The harder things are what they do need me for. Friendship issues, worries about things going on in the world, debates about having a phone or starting to enquire about social media. I strive to be open and honest with the girls and I am trying to avoid using the phrases that filled my childhood like “you don’t need to know about that yet..” but its hard trying to explain the complexities of the world (especially at the moment) in an age appropriate way. Its hard not getting triggered when your daughter is talking about friendships issues that you clearly remember experiencing yourself. The things they want to know about are far more relatable now but with that comes an added pressure “to get it right”. Trying to navigate a childhood with phones and social media, a world away from the one I was raised in, is tough!
As always, there is so much to learn and our children are the best teachers. Pushing us to research with an open mind and consider different perspectives. Asking us the difficult questions and persisting until we give them an answer. I question the world and the way we do things so much more than I ever have and I thank them for that!
They have just gone back to school after the summer holidays and it was the best summer I think we have had so far. Yes, there were challenges (sibling bickering takes number 1 spot) but I really enjoyed the time I spent with them this summer, the activities we did are things I enjoy too, the conversations are so much nicer and the lighter physical workload means I have the energy to actually join in and enjoy too rather than just plan and manage. Slowing down, not rushing to school and work and just accepting the mess at home freed up time to enjoy being a Mum, something that I definitely need to prioritise more. There will always be more work to do but it was nice to start to feel cracks in the responsibility cloud allowing a bit of the fun Kate to shine through!
But why wasn’t I always like this? Was it the phase we were in or was it something else? A bit of both to be honest but I also think I struggled to let myself. I have spoken before about my depression and anxiety since having the girls. I also think I set my expectations of myself far too high. I put too much pressure on myself which meant it was hard to let go of the things that really don’t matter which inevitably exasperated the anxiety and depression. I felt if the home was a mess, or I was a mess or the girls didn’t behave perfectly it meant I was failing. I strived to achieve the unattainable goal women are given of ‘doing it all’ and, unsurprisingly, I couldn’t! I remember reading something that always stuck with me. “If you prioritise one thing, you automatically deprioritise something else” I was prioritising chores and deprioritising fun, prioritising appearing well and deprioritising the things that would actually make me feel well. Sometimes we need to go through this realisation to really be the best we can be. I honestly think I am slowly getting there. Once you become aware, real change will slowly start to happen.
What do you think? Can you embrace the chaos and allow your fun side to shine through or do you feel weighed down by responsibility? Can you leave the washing and play a game or watch a film? Can you prioritise your own wellbeing knowing the huge knock on benefit to everyone around you?
I hope you can! I hope you had this realisation already but, if not, you are not alone and its never too late to slow down and reassess what is really bringing you joy.
What can you do today to bring a bit of joy into your life?
Kate xx